Is this goodbye Rio?
In one week I will pack all of my belongings up into three suitcases and move to Buenos Aires. Another move. Today I sat on a patch of grass in front of the beach and asked God for guidance. I heard back. “Rio is closing so that other places can open.” I don’t want to have regrets for leaving or for not doing things, but I mostly fear, what everyone fears at some intimate level, of losing themselves. Outside of the fear of death this has to be the most triggering of all. That you could be alive and witnessing the loss of parts of yourself. But this isn’t that.
Today I read my Portuguese homework, the book Eat Pray Love in Portuguese, next to Fabian in bed. I want more of that. In the part that I read today, the protagonist Liz is getting her palm read by a shaman in Bali. He describes an animal that has four legs deeply implanted on the earth and no head just a bouquet of light. That only being grounded can we fly he relates to her.. Or in my case travel. I also read today a quote on Instagram, the self diagnosed other drug in my life, that bliss is not necessarily travel but cultivating a home. Knowing your baristas name on Sunday mornings, enjoying your regular jogging routine, and social circles. I crave this too. But yet it’s not the time for that. There is a closing of Rio to open newness and that is also in the arms of someone. Marriage, being a good partner and wife.
When I sat on the beach today and looked out over how the pinks touch both sand and sea at sunset in Rio so that everything is that idyllic hipster sherbert; the color graphic designers dream of, that this was not leaving. It would always be here. It would be here for other young people to find themselves amongst a culture that has open arms and loves a good party. Beer, barbecues, music, robberies, vacationers, beach days, liquid and elusive concept of time or commitment. That perhaps my own sense of not trusting myself in this moment, without entirely escaping blame, was in ways influenced by the enveloping landscape that is Rio, the aweness that in a moment as tonight, when the sunset magically descends over both jungle, ocean, and sky piercing boulders, to give way towards a red moon rising, this you need to inhale.
You need to be outside for, sweating on a trail and riding a bike at night and taking beach days, and hiking trails. That Buenos Aires will hold a key to another language and to my new family. That with both Rio and Buenos Aires my professional track will open. This is not confusion or loss of self. This is not the closure of a door . This is the opening of the world a little wider. To more people, and to a deeper sense of implanting those four feet on the ground and returning to myself. And to God. That doesn’t mean there is no fear, but it does mean I open open to more faith.
