Momentum: gain it, use it, fly with it.
I walked through the Salt Lake City airport in heels, each step pronouncing itself. My hair still bounced from the curls I had burned in two days before, and I felt high. I wasn’t actually high, in fact I had just been full body searched by TSA agents who found my collection of protein powders highly questionable, but I was high with not giving a fu@#. Maybe this was what Marc Manson was talking about in his book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F&*%”. Precisely this moment of being propelled forward in self-confidence, unattached to a job, apartment, home, or mortgage, and no one to impress.
This feeling started last May and peaked when the finality of my job with the City of Eugene was real, which kinda bugs me. It bugs me that I found self-confidence in the exit gate. Why hadn’t I felt like this everyday for the past 4 years while working day in and day out in Downtown Eugene? My theory is that complacency leads to stagnancy and momentum whether that is in transition, or taking risks or being vulnerable with others, leads to this very special feeling of facing fear with your best red lipstick on in the face, and flying. Momentum literally gives you wings, and in this lil blog post I am going to try and explain why.
Now fast forward 8 hours, sitting in the tiny adorable Mexican Airbnb, in a district I am entirely unfamiliar with in CDMX, my coffee, my laptop, and literally everything I will need for the next year, or however long of my life in two suitcases, there is a sense of urgency. I thought there would be a pause in wanting to breathe a sigh of “I’m not working relief”, but that’s not the case. It has never been the case. A friend asked my at my going away party, “So when do you start work in Brazil?”
I thought, when am I not working? I seriously research, write, emails and text for work 15 hours each day. But now it was real. Like I will not have a paycheck unless I produce real.
In the last year there has been a shift in me that has only gained speed until this very moment. It has resulted in my wearing lipstick, more high heels (despite being 6ft), flowy dresses, and moving to Brazil! It has ultimately led me to sit in an Airbnb in Mexico City having that moment of pure OH MY GOD I need to make money, and travel and make this really happen now. Girl this is no longer a fantasy you are living your dream life. That is momentum, and instead of uproot and change everything in your life here is how you can have it right now:
1. Change is constant, use it to propel you. We may like to deny this very simple fact but change is constant and always happening. There is a set of things we can control (like our reaction to change), and a whole set of things we cannot. As I write this I am sitting in a hotel room directly next to the beach, with a pool outside my front door in Fort Lauderdale. I was looking forward to this one-day vacay in the U.S. before I officially am… well no longer in the U.S. for a very long time. I envisioned me in my new black bikini getting some amazing selfies in the sand, floating in the warm water, doing some laps in the pool and eating fish and chips while staring into the sunset.
Hurricane Michael who is currently heading towards Louisiana but bringing gale force winds to Florida had other plans. So I had to make other plans. That is the moment of propulsion. You can gain momentum if you literally let the wind push you into something different than you expected. For me this decision was last night when I got to the hotel and confirmed with the front desk that yes it would be nasty out today. I got to my room, wrote out all the laptop projects I had been putting off and realized, whoa, I might not have internet, a desk, a shower, quiet, alone time for a very longtime so an entire day dedicated to working indoors on my laptop in the U.S. is kind of ideal. And BOOM, crushing it today. I did get up early to run in the wind and that only gave me more momentum to focus on indoor tasks now.
2. Take Risks, with fashion, with lipstick, with professional goals. This is the meat of the momentum theory because it means you are staring change straight in the face like an angry bull and you the sexy matador, waving the red flag, and preparing to dance. There are, in very broad terms, three spheres in which we exist in: The comfort zone, the learning zone, and the danger zone. Pushing ourselves out into the learning zone while touching its boundaries is a safe place to take risks, if that wasn’t the weirdest oxymoron ever. Yes, safe risks. Those are the risks that involve planning, knowing ourselves, and recognizing the difference between fear that is primal (fight flight), and fear that is awe-inspiring and incites a tingling sensation. Identifying this awe inspiring fear and taking advantage its energy, gives us momentum.
And beware once you start, this feeling can be addictive. In May I read the book “Pussy a Reclamation” by Regina Thomashauer. I highly recommend! She changed my perspective on pleasure. Working in social service, government and religion, I had this idea in my head that I had to not spend money on myself, dress conservatively and essentially dim my light. What I gained from Regina’s book was that if I pleasure myself, really spend time and in some cases money on myself so that I feel sexy, loved, beautiful, and turned on, then that feeling can spread to others. I can essentially spread my momentum to others. In June I spent $40 on an essential oil, locally made perfume that I had fallen in love with and two silk blouses. I considered them my leveling up wear. By investing in myself I started to invest in the belief of my success. And it worked. I don’t think I could be taking this current professional leap if it weren’t for that book and taking time to pleasure myself.
3. Share your experience with others, and take time to listen to theirs. Your momentum is only as strong as the pack you run with. My biggest lesson of 2018 has been RELATIONSHIPS ARE EVERYTHING. And that doesn’t mean romantic ones, although those are pretty darn important. For me 2018 began with a breakup, which turned into being the most strenuous emotional gauntlet aside from getting sober I’ve gone through. It was an entanglement of money, property, emotions, histories, abuse, beliefs and I was completely broken open. But that state of being broken allowed for me to be completely willing to be vulnerable to women in order to stay sober. I created friendships that I had always dreamed of literally out of asking for help, again and again, sometimes at 2 am while chain smoking in order not to drown myself in vodka. In the breakup I lost a lot of money, which pushed me into evaluating (my investment strategies and who I trust) but also my values. The money will come and go but my friends and family are in it through the long haul.
When I came back from Brazil in May I moved in with my parents. I had to switch my perspective on this situation daily from a “I have to”, to “I get to” live with them. I get to make amends for years of lying, by being honest, I get to clean up the bathroom, I get to not be alone at night when I tend to have my darkest moments. I am by far not an expert and have so much work to be done, but this year I learned that just as much as I invest in my work and how I show up to my job, that’s how I need to show up in relationships. Try (I am not a pro) to be on time, keep commitments, listen, write handmade cards, make that coffee date, go to the birthday party. These all pay off at 2am when you think your world is crumbling and you have a tribe catching you in the fall and giving you the momentum to get back up.
