Finding Power in Floripa
I write you from the Island of Florianopolis, know for its magnificent beaches that border the island and also the entirety of the lake in the center of the island. Yes, an island with like 7 additional beaches in its interior. My laptop is propped up on a tiny table sharing space with all the kitchen accessories of Taxa’s our hosts, tiny home. The smell of beans cooking two feet away from my face is comforting as if I’m really in the Fall season, and not this weird limbo of Spring and Summer, but freezing South American freak never-ending storm. When I imagined coming to Floripa as it is called, I imagined the ability to finally wear one of the bikinis that I brought, semi expecting to be either in cycling gear, running shorts or a bikini everyday. This trip has proved me so wrong.
As I write this I am wearing my Nike dry fit running pants, day 6 of wearing these pants. They have some mysterious stains, and need to be washed real bad but they have proved to be the one true article of clothing that can go quickly over anything when the rain or cold hits. And it has been hitting at some point every single day of the 21 days we have been on the road. Thank you Nike sweat running pants.
I am trying not to slip into a deep state of continuous dissatisfaction. I listened to a call last night as part of this women’s group I am doing online. The theme was “power”, more specifically reclaiming power. One nugget of gold I took from it was this idea of personal power versus social power. Personal power as the ability to have control over personal thoughts and reactions, and social power being the ability to control people or situations. It was argued that in order to have social power you needed first to master personal power.
I have entered into this trip imagining scenarios that I thought were going to be “worst case” as if to prepare myself mentally for any conceivable horrific threat- looting, injury, robbery, etc. I never imagined preparing myself for the mental battle of expecting sun and romance and receiving rain and reality. Like the harsh reality of maybe not being madly lusting for your partner, or realizing that you are more moody than you thought. Realizing that you don’t speak clearly enough all the time especially when tired or hungry so that someone whose first language isn’t English might not understand you when you are either hungry or tired.
Instead of seeing Floripa by bike we have opted by car because we are both tired and wet. Instead of surfing as he had dreamed of doing at the famed Joaquina Beach, we drove past, played on the massive dunes for a few minutes then got back into our home on four wheels. Taxa, Rafael’s friend we are staying with has a tiny home and a tiny son, so we are not actually staying inside his home rather using it for a warm place to heat food, take showers and generally feel like we are all in each others way. Yes there have been moments of genuine happiness when sharing a space together, like last night when we jointly made food on the tiny stovetop that is right up against the slab of wood that is also the dining room table/ food shelf/currently my desk. But I think we all really want the rain to end. Right now everything Rafael has to wear is wet. I am soaking, the house has open windows to let air in that is cold to dry the things that are still wet. So wet.
In moments like these I am honing in on my personal power. I have no control over the people and climates in my immediacy right now, but I can control the grace in which I literally dance around small spaces, speak softly, and respect others belongings. I can lean into gratitude and try and see where are the places in me hurting, and why, and take a little time to be gentle with myself in those places. Right now that sounds like holding onto the sound of shared laughter when it comes out at the agreed lunacy of these rainy days. Laughter sounds so foreign and so welcomed. So maybe this is a grand lesson in personal power. This entire trip, or at least this part of it. I thought I was setting out to change the world and have some huge impact, but in reality, God is presenting me with more opportunities to get to know myself on a deeper level and own the power of my actions and reactions.
Where does your power lie today?
